Conflict

We had our first fight last night.

What is strangest about it, is that it was a fight based over each of us trying to be overwhelmingly considerate of the other.  Sometimes even through peace efforts we find conflict.

I am not one to post intimate details of our relationship online, or even discuss them in person.  We have our fights, we get over them, we move on.  I don’t like to post about or talk about some issue we are having, which will inevitably be resolved, but then I also have to resolve it with the person/people I told about it.  They aren’t involved and can’t possible understand the nuances of what goes between two completely separate people.

So I have been inside my head for the past several hours about whether or not to write about this.  Every time, I come around to Yes.  Write about it.  Because in my situation, when I was first looking for info from a couples’ stand-point, I wanted to see the bad and the good.  What are the fights or arguments about, and how are they resolved.  How is each person really feeling.  No need to candy coat something so very real.

This is for those of you in my situation, who come after me, and have no idea what to expect.  I am going to TRY to not be biased, but I fully accept and understand that I am biased, simply by being only one person inside one brain.

We had our first fight last night.  Okay, not our first fight ever of course.  But our first fight regarding the transition.

…

….

…

Ugh this is hard, I am not accustomed to putting these things out in the open. 

Okay okay.  Here goes.  Last night we were watching the Olympics and each staring at our respective favored screens.  Normal evening in the Charming household.  The thoughts were sparked by an Avengers (Captain America movie) ad that came on TV.  Kaden got VERY excited.  He rewound, and I grinned, I like seeing him happy. 

And thoughts occurred to me.  That’s a regular boy thing to do.  Super heros and such.  It used to be, that Kaden was my girlfriend and it was this extra adorable thing, my girlfriend doing the boy thing.  Now it’s my boyfriend doing the boy thing.  And that’s different (don’t argue with me, readers, I know that logically it is not actually different).  We used to be girls together, and she (past tense she) would do the boy thing as my GIRLfriend.  I don’t know how to explain it … it’s different.  It made me a little sad to think that that is leaving.  And I am ALL GIRL and I get EMOTIONAL so I got a little emotional.  I have been really honest and forward with Kaden about everything that I think of, good and concerning, because I think that is the only way to really go through this together.

I didn’t say anything though.  I thought about it.  And I knew that if I said something like that his response would be something along the lines of “Well then let’s not do it.”  Which I *know* isn’t what he wants.  He is just terrified that I’ll all the sudden up and leave and that’ll it be and it’ll be over for us.  I don’t know how to prove any more that we are solid and I am not weirded out and I am not leaving.  But at the same time, I would like to express my concerns, or the little things that I might miss about having a girlfriend.  It’s all I’ve known my entire adult life.

So I don’t say anything.

Then we get into bed.  We always read (Kaden almost always plays Candy Crush) before actually turning out the light.  So I say it then.  I tell him that I am sad that we don’t get to be GIRLS together anymore!  And that makes me a little sad.

And it’s like a countdown in my head.  Here it comes .. three.. two … one …

“We don’t have to do this.  We could just not.”

BAM.  There it is.  The very reason I hesitated on sharing, confirmed.  I’d really like to have been wrong.

This comes up A LOT.  Any time I express a concern, it’s there.  Every time.  So much so that I have started second guessing whether I should actually say anything when I have a concern.  Because THAT IS NOT THE POINT. 

Dear Boys – The reason your girlfriend gets suddenly zero-to-100 ANGRY is because she thought a lot about what she would say, and figured she knew what awful thing you would say, and she was right.  She didn’t want to be right but she was.  So basically, her worst fear she has been mulling over for hours/days/months/EVER has just come true.  And it’s your fault because you said the stupid thing that she knew you were going to say.  Get ready to do some apologizing.  And don’t say that crap anymore.

Love- Me.

So yes, Kaden said THE THING.  And I blew up, in my way, which usually means storming out.  So I did.  I laid in bed for a minute, exasperated, upset, and realized  I couldn’t just lay there, I couldn’t be in the same room in the same bed any longer with that weight in the air.  So I left and went to sit on the couch.  It’s what I do.

Here is the thing:  I get it.  I get that he’s scared.  I get that the ENTIRE reason this didn’t happen YEARS ago is because of me.  Because of US.  But for GOODNESS SAKE.  How much more can I do to prove that WE ARE OKAY?  I am shopping for binders and researching surgery and doing all the things I do that signal I am on board!  Let’s go!  In this together!

And he knows that, I know he knows that.  I’m just mad that I can’t erase that last bit of insecurity that makes him think I am somehow going to fly off the wall and leave forever.

Storm out of the bedroom and plop on the couch, sure.  But not gone away forever.

Aaaaaanyway.  Kaden is very good at apologizing.  After a few minutes, he came out to find me (as he does).  He held me and I was crying and he said he was sorry and other things I don’t really remember, the words aren’t so important as the meaning and intentions behind them.  I was blubbering.  I went on to say that we won’t be girls together and that just makes me sad.  I’m sad about it but I am *okay*. 

I guess my crying (especially about this) just really broke his heart.  He wanted to make it BETTER.  So we were chatting about again, I don’t remember what, and he decides that he won’t go on testosterone but just get the letter and go by Kaden and present as male but skip the hormones.  He insists this is what HE wants.

I call bullshit.

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T.

He forgot that I knew him better than he does.

I keep asking f its what HE wants, and he gives me all the same sorts of answers that he used to give me on the occasions I would ask him he if wanted to be a boy (always followed by, and that’s okay, I’ll still love you).

So I try to ask things to get him to admit that no, he doesn’t just want a note, he wants more, and if we are really honest, he wants the whole package (ha,ha).  But at the same time I am not going to shove down his throat in such a way that says “You must do hormone therapy because I am convinced it is what is best for you!!”.  It needs to be HIS decision and he doesn’t get that.  He wants it to be OUR decision (and said as much).   But some things a person really needs to decide on their own.  I can’t say to him YES do hormones or NO don’t do that.  That would create an inauthentic individual based one someone else’s desires and that is *wrong*.  We are in this together, but only he really knows what feels right on his skin.  And THAT is what I want.  And he just wants me to be happy.  And I can’t know how I will react to when he is on testosterone because no one can say for certain what will change.  I can’t lie and say I will love everything no matter what sparkles and rainbows.  I don’t know.  That is the honest truth.  I don’t see there being a problem, I can’t think of anything changing so much that I suddenly rethink our relationship.  I can’t see anything changing that would affect my opinion of him as a person at all.

I mean … did you see my post about transmen as a sexual preference?  COME ON.

Then I made him so insecure that he is questioning if it is the right thing to do at all.  I don’t think he actually thinks it might not be the right thing for him (he knows it is, even when he isn’t sure he knows, he knows).  He is worried it isn’t right for the people around him.  He wonders if the payoff of being socially accepted as male is worth the effort (ie, girlfriend’s occasional tears).

So we go to bed and he has decided not to do testosterone and he just wants me to be happy, and I just want him to be comfortable in his own skin and … ugh.

I cried and he panicked, I think is what happened here.

I consciously decide to let him sleep on it.  I can’t convince him to be honest about what he wants tonight.  It just won’t happen.

So in the morning I ask again.  I tell him that I don’t believe him when he says he doesn’t want hormone therapy.  He more or less agrees.

So here we are, more or less where we started.  He is transitioning and (I think) still planning on hormone therapy.  I am fine with it, and I accept that there are things that will be hard and even a little sad.  I need him to accept that along with the hard, that a little sad will happen.

Now I don’t know what I’ll do next time I have a concern or something pops up that I’m a little sad about.

No, that’s a lie.  Because I tell him everything.  I just hope that next time it doesn’t get the response of “okay we won’t do it!” again.

Dear boys:  The right response?  “Tell me about why that makes you sad, and I will listen.”

That’s all.

(posted unedited and unrevised for full honest rambling effect)

First Doctor appointment

Had the first doctor's appointment today.  It was, as I thought, simple.  As for the other things?  I was way off.

The basic rundown is this:
-Must have a psych evaluation.  Could be one appointment, could be more, but no set time-frame or amount of meetings is set.  So that is reasonable.
-The psychologist will decide if Kaden is "ready" to transition.  I guess one of the more important questions that will be asked is if he has told his parents.  That's a tough one, we are working on that.
-We need to set up a lab appointment for blood work to get a base testosterone level
-Doc wants to see him back in 4 weeks, blood tests and eval should be complete by then.  We will try to get it all done ASAP.
-The note Kaden needs for work (and to legally change name, etc) will come from the psychologist.  So we will try to get THAT soonest.

The referral coordinator was gone for the day when we were in, so Kaden is calling tomorrow to get the referral and an appointment set up with the psychologist.  We need to find a lab to go to for blood work.  I feel a lot better with sort of a blue print of what we need to do and what order things should happen in.

On another topic...
Kaden's chest binder is hurting him.  It hurts me that it's hurting him.  He prefers it over wearing a bra and having visible breasts, pain and all.  And he looks really good in it.  I am glad that he has it, and so sad that he has to go through it. I am going to start picking up some extra shifts at work so we can have some money put away for top surgery.  Even before he came out to me, he always told me he wanted the boobs gone.  I want them gone even more now, seeing how much this hurts and how much happier he will be once it's done.

Pre-First-Doctor-Appointment

Tomorrow is Kaden's first doctor's appt.  I am not sure what to expect.  A referral to a specialist?  A requirement to seek therapy?  Oh, I hope not.  Although, those things seem likely.  Fingers crossed we can skip that.

I am hoping that it will be simple, just some blood work and HOPEFULLY a letter to satisfy his workplace that transition is starting, so he can use the men's bathroom and wear men's work clothes.

He's nervous.  I'll be there with him.  I think it will be simple, right?

Please make it so they don't tell us he needs a year of therapy before anything begins.

Fart Jokes

Kaden has made several fart jokes the last week or so.

I told him that if this is a side effect of his transition, it is NOT my favorite. 

Transmen as a sexual preference

Labels.  I can’t get away from it.  In my own head, I can’t.  Labels are so deeply ingrained that even to talk about them is practically a cliché.  I don’t mind, I like clichés. 

I thought about the line I originally settled on, that maybe I just happen to be generally attracted to girls who are so androgynous that they are actually boys.   This line … could be offensive to some.  It could belittle their identity and existence in this world as male.

Maybe it was a transition label or theory for myself.

So I am thinking.  I am thinking that my whole life possibly, I am generally attracted to “trans-men”.  And maybe really pretty boys in general.  Maybe?

I feel like a large portion of my own identity is being stripped away.  I am swimming, I am confused, and people want short and simple answers.  So do I.  I don’t have it yet. 

------Rambling train of thought and background information, begin:

Changing a label is hard.  Changing a label BACK?  Might be harder.   And in my situation, it is both ridiculously complicated and simple at the same time.  No matter the label, there is no confusion or change in my relationship with Kaden.  Name and pronouns … that’s really it.  A generally happier boyfriend who is learning and preparing to finally love his own body.  Simple, nothing else changes between us.  But for me…?

So let’s just go through this.  Growing up, I guess you could say I identified as heterosexual.  Only, I just wasn’t very sexual in general.  I had some boyfriends, my most “successful” relationship was based online during high school and turned out to be a bit abusive in really stupid ways.  A lot of things about that relationship were wrong and were mistakes.  Everyone makes high school mistakes, Eddie happened to be by biggest one.  He was my last male-female relationship, until about a month ago (ten years ago?).

It was around the time I turned 16 or 17 that I began to identify as lesbian.  I had a couple of girlfriends I was mildly attracted to, and at first there was little to no sex.  Then the one girlfriend who turned out to be very not gay (I think we all have one of those stories, right?).  Then Kaden (at that time, Katie). 

So the entirety of my adult life, I have identified as gay female attracted only to other females.  Dealt with all the issues that come with that.  Being gay ten years ago was hard.  No as hard as twenty years ago, but a heck of a lot harder than it is now (yay, progress!).  A person has to really hold onto that label, and almost prove themselves in certain ways, to really “claim” it.  It takes courage and conviction to live life against the norms of your society, of your own family.

What I am trying to say is that over time, being gay became a part of me.  As much as being straight is a part of anyone else.  Once it is confirmed and acknowledged it just IS.  It’s just there.  Move along, living life over here.

But now things are changing.

------End background rambling (I really considered deleting all of that as non-essential and boring, but in the spirit of open honesty, I am leaving it in)

I don’t want to belittle Kaden’s identity (even if he doesn’t see it as such) by continuing to identify as lesbian.  That would be like saying, yes, Kaden is male and I accept that but I still only date girls (so really he must be a girl in my mind?).

So.  I guess I’m not a lesbian.

Hello world, my name is Alison, and contrary to what I have been saying and gently correcting people on since I was a child, I am not gay.

(reading that last part, inside my mind is a big evangelical I’M HEALED ad, haha funny.)

Maybe I haven’t figured out what I am.  Kaden says maybe bi (and even still gay, but we’ve covered that).  I have always hated the term “bisexual”.

Here’s the whole point of the rambling (procrastinating?) of this whole entry.

I think I am specifically attracted to FTM people.  Part of me wonders if that is weird.  A bigger part of me wonders if that is offensive.  Because to see a trans man as anything different than just a MAN is possibly belittling their identity and I would never want to do that.

Perhaps I just see trans-man as a specific state that is, to me, the perfect interpretation of a man.  And therefore, my personal preference.

When do I start saying “he”? When do I call her (him) Kaden?

This is, I think, the hardest part.

Kaden is ready for me to start using new pronouns.  Being that Kaden is SUPER awesome, he (I did it there, see!) understands that it will take me time.  In fact, he (and again!) understands so much as to say that I can always say her and she if it makes me more comfortable.  Very sweet, but that would just be horribly confusing in the long run.

So in writing, I am practicing.  He.  Kaden.  He. 

Full honestly?  At the moment, it feels wrong.  There is a ZING inside every time I say HE.  I think I mentioned it before, it’s like a physical reaction to the idea that I might be talking about a different person.  I guess cheating even in theory is a very physical experience inside your own head.  I am not cheating.  Katie and Kaden are the same person.  I love him.  I love HIM.

With time and practice it will get easier.  I can’t quite say it out loud yet.  So maybe writing this and using only the new name and new pronouns will help.  So yeah … I think there I will drop all the old stuff.

So when do I start saying he?  In writing, I guess it’s now.  In the right situations.  We are in the process of coming out so not all our friends know.  And I might never be able to say it in major social media like Facebook because he doesn’t currently plan to come out to his family (one thing at a time). 

Vocally?  Vocally.  I am not sure when to start actually SAYING “he”.  He is still Katie to most the people we know.  This is really new to everyone except himself.  So.  When?  When he starts going by Kaden to everyone?  Just around new people we meet when he can introduce himself as Kaden and “be” male?

I guess we are in a limbo of pronouns right now.

Currently, I can write “he” here in the blog.  And on FTM sites and such.  I can say “he” and “Kaden” when it is just the two of us meeting someone new.  And maybe when it is the two of us and people we have come out to and are meeting someone new?  Oh, that gets complicated.

In day to day life?  No, not yet.  Until he is going commonly by Kaden, and we start asking our friends to change their own brain and vocal patterns … until then I don’t think I can start saying “he” on a daily basis.

But I can practice.  Here.  I’m doing good so far, right?  Saying it in writing is a good place to start, I think.

When will I know that the time has come to say it all the time?  Will I just know?  Will it just feel right?

What does this say about ME? And shedding the gay stigma.

I had a long period of wondering what this new development meant for me.  In general, labels SO don’t matter anymore.  But people will ask, and I like to have an answer … and to be honest I asked about myself anyway.  So it was worth thinking through.

So most of my life until recently I have identified as gay/lesbian.  Turns out, the person I am in love with and am spending my life is is actually male.  So … does that make me straight?  My answer:  Kind of (but it still doesn’t matter).

I have always been attracted to only a very small specific group of androgynous women.  I’m not the type who can go people watch and say heeey that person is gorgeous every few seconds.  In my regular life, a person I find attractive crosses my path a few times a year. 

So I wonder … have I always been attracted to FTM people but never knew, or never labeled it as such?  Is that really a niche of attraction that I fall into?  It is so specific, in my head it rings closer to “fetish” than “normal level of attraction”.  Fetish is a term that comes with all kinds of connotations  -- and I don’t think it applies here.

So what I need is a word for: attracted-to-girls-so-androgynous-they-are-actually-boys.

Speaking of my girl actually being a boy, I have to say that I am really looking forward to shedding the gay stigma.  With Katie as Kaden and as a BOY, then we are in a BOY GIRL relationship.  I don’t have to come out to people over and over and over again (what does your boyfriend do?  Oh well SHE …).  I don’t have to worry that beyond being a couple in public, we will be a “normal” couple in public.  No one has to have an extra reaction (vocalized or not) to our being together.  No one will refuse to bake us a wedding cake (yes, that happened). 

I don’t understand people who say being gay is a choice.  I would never choose a life that goes at odds with my culture in so many ways.  My culture is getting better, but if it had been a *choice*?  I would have saved myself a lot of grief and heartache. 

It will be very nice indeed, to leave all of that behind.