Conflict

We had our first fight last night.

What is strangest about it, is that it was a fight based over each of us trying to be overwhelmingly considerate of the other.  Sometimes even through peace efforts we find conflict.

I am not one to post intimate details of our relationship online, or even discuss them in person.  We have our fights, we get over them, we move on.  I don’t like to post about or talk about some issue we are having, which will inevitably be resolved, but then I also have to resolve it with the person/people I told about it.  They aren’t involved and can’t possible understand the nuances of what goes between two completely separate people.

So I have been inside my head for the past several hours about whether or not to write about this.  Every time, I come around to Yes.  Write about it.  Because in my situation, when I was first looking for info from a couples’ stand-point, I wanted to see the bad and the good.  What are the fights or arguments about, and how are they resolved.  How is each person really feeling.  No need to candy coat something so very real.

This is for those of you in my situation, who come after me, and have no idea what to expect.  I am going to TRY to not be biased, but I fully accept and understand that I am biased, simply by being only one person inside one brain.

We had our first fight last night.  Okay, not our first fight ever of course.  But our first fight regarding the transition.

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Ugh this is hard, I am not accustomed to putting these things out in the open. 

Okay okay.  Here goes.  Last night we were watching the Olympics and each staring at our respective favored screens.  Normal evening in the Charming household.  The thoughts were sparked by an Avengers (Captain America movie) ad that came on TV.  Kaden got VERY excited.  He rewound, and I grinned, I like seeing him happy. 

And thoughts occurred to me.  That’s a regular boy thing to do.  Super heros and such.  It used to be, that Kaden was my girlfriend and it was this extra adorable thing, my girlfriend doing the boy thing.  Now it’s my boyfriend doing the boy thing.  And that’s different (don’t argue with me, readers, I know that logically it is not actually different).  We used to be girls together, and she (past tense she) would do the boy thing as my GIRLfriend.  I don’t know how to explain it … it’s different.  It made me a little sad to think that that is leaving.  And I am ALL GIRL and I get EMOTIONAL so I got a little emotional.  I have been really honest and forward with Kaden about everything that I think of, good and concerning, because I think that is the only way to really go through this together.

I didn’t say anything though.  I thought about it.  And I knew that if I said something like that his response would be something along the lines of “Well then let’s not do it.”  Which I *know* isn’t what he wants.  He is just terrified that I’ll all the sudden up and leave and that’ll it be and it’ll be over for us.  I don’t know how to prove any more that we are solid and I am not weirded out and I am not leaving.  But at the same time, I would like to express my concerns, or the little things that I might miss about having a girlfriend.  It’s all I’ve known my entire adult life.

So I don’t say anything.

Then we get into bed.  We always read (Kaden almost always plays Candy Crush) before actually turning out the light.  So I say it then.  I tell him that I am sad that we don’t get to be GIRLS together anymore!  And that makes me a little sad.

And it’s like a countdown in my head.  Here it comes .. three.. two … one …

“We don’t have to do this.  We could just not.”

BAM.  There it is.  The very reason I hesitated on sharing, confirmed.  I’d really like to have been wrong.

This comes up A LOT.  Any time I express a concern, it’s there.  Every time.  So much so that I have started second guessing whether I should actually say anything when I have a concern.  Because THAT IS NOT THE POINT. 

Dear Boys – The reason your girlfriend gets suddenly zero-to-100 ANGRY is because she thought a lot about what she would say, and figured she knew what awful thing you would say, and she was right.  She didn’t want to be right but she was.  So basically, her worst fear she has been mulling over for hours/days/months/EVER has just come true.  And it’s your fault because you said the stupid thing that she knew you were going to say.  Get ready to do some apologizing.  And don’t say that crap anymore.

Love- Me.

So yes, Kaden said THE THING.  And I blew up, in my way, which usually means storming out.  So I did.  I laid in bed for a minute, exasperated, upset, and realized  I couldn’t just lay there, I couldn’t be in the same room in the same bed any longer with that weight in the air.  So I left and went to sit on the couch.  It’s what I do.

Here is the thing:  I get it.  I get that he’s scared.  I get that the ENTIRE reason this didn’t happen YEARS ago is because of me.  Because of US.  But for GOODNESS SAKE.  How much more can I do to prove that WE ARE OKAY?  I am shopping for binders and researching surgery and doing all the things I do that signal I am on board!  Let’s go!  In this together!

And he knows that, I know he knows that.  I’m just mad that I can’t erase that last bit of insecurity that makes him think I am somehow going to fly off the wall and leave forever.

Storm out of the bedroom and plop on the couch, sure.  But not gone away forever.

Aaaaaanyway.  Kaden is very good at apologizing.  After a few minutes, he came out to find me (as he does).  He held me and I was crying and he said he was sorry and other things I don’t really remember, the words aren’t so important as the meaning and intentions behind them.  I was blubbering.  I went on to say that we won’t be girls together and that just makes me sad.  I’m sad about it but I am *okay*. 

I guess my crying (especially about this) just really broke his heart.  He wanted to make it BETTER.  So we were chatting about again, I don’t remember what, and he decides that he won’t go on testosterone but just get the letter and go by Kaden and present as male but skip the hormones.  He insists this is what HE wants.

I call bullshit.

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T.

He forgot that I knew him better than he does.

I keep asking f its what HE wants, and he gives me all the same sorts of answers that he used to give me on the occasions I would ask him he if wanted to be a boy (always followed by, and that’s okay, I’ll still love you).

So I try to ask things to get him to admit that no, he doesn’t just want a note, he wants more, and if we are really honest, he wants the whole package (ha,ha).  But at the same time I am not going to shove down his throat in such a way that says “You must do hormone therapy because I am convinced it is what is best for you!!”.  It needs to be HIS decision and he doesn’t get that.  He wants it to be OUR decision (and said as much).   But some things a person really needs to decide on their own.  I can’t say to him YES do hormones or NO don’t do that.  That would create an inauthentic individual based one someone else’s desires and that is *wrong*.  We are in this together, but only he really knows what feels right on his skin.  And THAT is what I want.  And he just wants me to be happy.  And I can’t know how I will react to when he is on testosterone because no one can say for certain what will change.  I can’t lie and say I will love everything no matter what sparkles and rainbows.  I don’t know.  That is the honest truth.  I don’t see there being a problem, I can’t think of anything changing so much that I suddenly rethink our relationship.  I can’t see anything changing that would affect my opinion of him as a person at all.

I mean … did you see my post about transmen as a sexual preference?  COME ON.

Then I made him so insecure that he is questioning if it is the right thing to do at all.  I don’t think he actually thinks it might not be the right thing for him (he knows it is, even when he isn’t sure he knows, he knows).  He is worried it isn’t right for the people around him.  He wonders if the payoff of being socially accepted as male is worth the effort (ie, girlfriend’s occasional tears).

So we go to bed and he has decided not to do testosterone and he just wants me to be happy, and I just want him to be comfortable in his own skin and … ugh.

I cried and he panicked, I think is what happened here.

I consciously decide to let him sleep on it.  I can’t convince him to be honest about what he wants tonight.  It just won’t happen.

So in the morning I ask again.  I tell him that I don’t believe him when he says he doesn’t want hormone therapy.  He more or less agrees.

So here we are, more or less where we started.  He is transitioning and (I think) still planning on hormone therapy.  I am fine with it, and I accept that there are things that will be hard and even a little sad.  I need him to accept that along with the hard, that a little sad will happen.

Now I don’t know what I’ll do next time I have a concern or something pops up that I’m a little sad about.

No, that’s a lie.  Because I tell him everything.  I just hope that next time it doesn’t get the response of “okay we won’t do it!” again.

Dear boys:  The right response?  “Tell me about why that makes you sad, and I will listen.”

That’s all.

(posted unedited and unrevised for full honest rambling effect)