Trying to find a surgeon...

Kaden on phone with plastic surgeon's office:
Do you guys take health insurance?
Great, do you take Cigna HMO?
Okay good. Do you accept Cigna HMO for Female-to-Male Top Surgery, if I have a letter and other appropriate documentation from my primary care doctor?
...Can you tell me why not?

Over and over and over ...

Our relationship, others' experiences, and money monsters

From what I am hearing on different FTM Wives/Girlfriends groups I am on, it seems that I have it relatively easy.  It seems a lot of things in our relationship hahve worked this way.  Things that should be rough, hard to conquer, or pull us apart tend to just… work out.  We moved in together after only three months, knew it was a bad idea, but it worked out.  Moved across the country together to MY home town, he hated it there, but we still worked it out.  All kinds of things.  We just make it work.

Anyway, I’m getting away from my point.  My point is, I hear a lot of other girls saying that their guy is pulling away from them.  That his dysphoria is so much of a struggle that they stop having sexual relations at all.  I don’t know what to say to those people.  I wonder if their relationship has the strong foundation needed to overcome such a huge change.  My relationship is lucky in that we only had maybe a week or two where sex stopped.  He was confused, working things out in his head, and bringing himself around to his body again.  We are now back to where we were before (only better, yes, better).  His main issue has always been his chest, and since that has *always* been an issue, it wasn’t anything new or changed when he came out.

Our biggest struggle?  Money.  We have a lot of money problems just paying our bills lately.  We are chasing his dream job right now, which leaves me the breadwinner.  That on it’s own is hard on us, we would both be more comfortable if it were the other way around.  He is making baby steps in the right directions at his work though, and we continue to be hopeful that he will start making better money. 

The issue here is that, transitioning costs money.  Lots of money.  He won’t feel like a whole person until he gets his top surgery.  LOTS of money.  It’s sad and its stressful and we both want it so badly for him.  We know that it just isn’t an option until the bills are getting paid with better regularity though.  We are just getting by right now.  It’s … pretty depressing overall.    My big issue in addition is just the NAME change!  He needs to get his name changed so that we can finally get a marriage license and I can take his name.  We can’t do it before his name change because then *I* would have to go through an even larger more expensive process to change MY name to match his after it changes.  Ugh.  Money.

On another note, sometimes I still find myself feeling just a little sad.  Just a little.  I look at him, and remember looking at him and thinking “My Katie” and I get .. just a little sad.  Maybe nostalgic is a better word.  I can’t place the why or the what about it, but it is still there.  I probably get this the most when I am looking at the stubble on his face.  It still feels so foreign and strange.

While all of this going on, we have some friends who have been in a lesbian relationship for several years.   One person is currently struggling with gender issues.  The other is seriously hoping that the gender issues kind of … go away.  I feel bad for both of them, it is a tough and touchy issue on both ides.  I hope the best for them, and I hope that they can mutually agree to embrace the needs of both themselves and each other. 

Two months on T

It has been some time.  We had some major money issues, we got married (yay!), and since I handle everything that both of those things entail, I was quite busy, very stressed (lost SEVEN pounds the week before the wedding) and blogging went waaay to the side.

I get all anxious when I think about trying to re-cap the many things missed.  Kaden has been blogging regularly, see his blog to fill in the gaps!

http://kadencharming.blogspot.com

His voice is deep and cracking.  He gets a little sick right before it drops again.  His testosterone pattern is something crazy.

I give him his shots on Tuesdays.  We call it Testosterone Tuesday!  Wednesdays he eats a LOT, Thursdays he gets really extra horny, and still eats a lot.  Then there is a mild regular combination of the two until Sunday.  Sunday he gets cranky.  Monday he is downright irritable and moody.  Shot on Tuesday, repeat.   I hope it doesn’t last forever. 

He is growing more hair on his face, and has started shaving more regularly.  I kind of miss his always-soft face, it was a lot nicer to kiss.  But when I tell him he prickles me he obliges by shaving right away, so that is sweet.  He has become more protective of me, a but more grabby – he holds me tighter around the waist and gets angry when other guys look at me too much.

On our honeymoon, I had my first moment of being noticeably glad to be a hetero couple.  We were lost on a bus in Nassau (don’t ask…) and at one time every other person on the bus was male.  If we were two females in that position, I would have been quite concerned.  Since Kaden was presenting and passing as male, I had a socially perceived and accepted protector.  That was very nice.  So much safer to travel with a male.

He is my husband now.   I love that.   Husband.  I call him Hubby-Stud-Muffin.  He grins.  It’s adorable.

His parents didn’t take the news well.  We are dealing.  His Uncle is  a huge help and source of support and I am thankful every day for him and what he is doing to help.

Some people at work and online have started to become vocal about “born a female and you ARE female”.  It’s hurtful.  It’s ignorant.  It’s NOT necessary.  It doesn’t even effect them.  Let people live their lives.  You don’t have to like it, you don’t have to understand it.  That’s okay.

This is one thing that I think we are running into a lot in civil rights battles.  People who don’t understand it, and seem to think that if they don’t understand then it must be inherently bad.  You don’t have to understand it.  It doesn’t matter if you don’t understand it.  It has nothing to do with you.  It is not hurting you or anyone else.  Just let it be.

Love, color, gender, religion.  Everything, just let it be.

Referral FAIL

OH.  MY.  GOD.

We were sent to the wrong kind of psychiatrist.  The.  Wrong.  Psychiatrist.

We went in, Kaden and her chatted, it was really strange.  Until the end when we she informed us that the only thing she could do was provide the referring doctor with a note that he has no pathologies.

I should have know better the moment she referred to Kaden as "she" and didn't ask about preferred pronouns.

Ugh.  We were SO mad.  SOOOO mad.

As we left and got his note of clean mental health (gee, thanks) from the receptionist, she offered to refund our co-pay.  Oh.  Yes please, that's very nice of you.  So that was lovely.

We took our note and stormed into the referring doctor's office.  Explained in short what happened, and got to speak with the referral coordinator who sent us to the WRONG psychiatrist.  I mean, we waited WEEKS for that appointment!  When she handed us a pamphlet we mentioned that.  She made the call to the doctor right then and got him an appointment for tomorrow night.  I guess that the best everyone could do in light of the mistake was done, so that is nice.

The website for this new doctor is promising.  He is definitely the right one to go to, and we are very optimistic about the appointment and getting done what needs to be done (LETTER!).

Here is the website of the doctor he is seeing tomorrow:  http://drdavidbakerhargrove.com/

He says that he will never tell someone that it is not time for them to transition, that is the decision of the individual.  There is no "set amount" of appointments a person needs to have to get their letter, they won't hold that over your head so that you have to come back.  Also, he treats via Skype if needed, so he can treat people all over the country!!  How awesome is that???

Round two, tomorrow.  Wish us luck :)

Waiting

Kaden and I are sitting in the waiting room at the psychiatrist's office or our first visit. I don't know about him, but I am very nervous. 

The person sitting across from us May or may not also be FTM. Wish we could strike up a conversation.  Wish I could just say "Hey, are you here because you are a boy too?  Have you been in before?   Is it your first (and hopefully last) visit too???"  

Too bad you just don't ask people those kinds of things. Especially in this kind of place. 

So this next hour or so will end in a far side of one long emotional spectrum. Will we leave with the coveted letter?  To go and celebrate and dance our way straight to the drivers license place ?  Or ... or?  Or will they need to see us (okay, him) again?  That would be devastating. And offensive.  He is *obviously* male.  Thinking about that outcome is making me a little emotional just sitting here. 

At least in this uncomfortable state, the place has comfy chairs. That's nice. 

Please send Kaden love. Today is a hard day. Right now is a hard time. 

Telling my co-workers

I've been off of work for a couple of weeks due to an injury.  Today was my first day back.

I just started working in the station here, transferred here from Denver.  I worked here for about a month when Kaden came out to me.

WHYYY could it not have been just a few weeks earlier?

I was almost done with all the conversations that go like this:
"Oh, your Fiance works for that company?  Cool, what does he do there?"
"Well, she is in bell services."

Subtle coming out, usually just as simple as that though.

Noooooow I have to tell everyone "... oh yeah about that ... she is now a he".  And you barely know me and have never met him and this is reeeeeally awkward.

Today one of my coworkers asked about how Kaden and I met and what not.  There were only three of us in the room, so it seemed like a good time to try to tell some people.  Get the gossip going and what-not, hope that takes care of most of it for me.

I told her "Since you asked..." and then went on about how I hadn't told anyone at work and it was hard to say.  Then she (my coworker) said that if I didn't know how to say it then I wasn't ready to say it.  It occurred to me then that I was SO nervous about how the heck to word "my fiance is a boy now" that I might have made it sound like something much worse, like he was hitting me or something.  So at that point I HAD to say it to avoid *actual* gossip.

I don't even recall what words I used.  I said that sometime in January Katie came out to me, and is now Kaden ... and now is he and pronouns are hard.  I don't know, I got the point across though.  Awkwardly enough that I never ever want to have that conversation with someone I barely know again.  I expressed that it was really hard to tell co-workers and I remember her saying that I didn't need to care what anyone there thought.  Her first question was what that said about me -- and I pretty much told her that that's complicated but the bottom line is that this is still the person I love.  She asked, vaguely and gesturing to her own body, if he was "going to...".  Yes.  She didn't pry, which I think is acceptable curiosity with courteous boundaries.

People seem to think that I could just *not* tell certain groups.  That really isn't an option.  I can't work so hard to make Kaden HE in my brain, only to turn it around 40 hours a week in conversation and call him by his birth name and incorrect pronouns.  That just won't work.  Not telling them is not an option, it has to happen somehow.

However, I am not having that conversation again.  My new plan is to do the same coming out conversation, but just opposite.
"So what does Katie do for that company again?"
"Actually, it's Kaden now, and he is working in a new location with better hours, thanks for asking."
"<ABSOLUTE UNKNOWN>"

I really have no idea how people will react, or if at all (no reaction is, of course, preferable).

There is a guy in training at work today, and he asked why I moved here.  I said my fiance got a job here that puts him on the path to his dream job.  We talked some more, new co-worker works seasonally for the same company.  Nice guy.

Oh the confusion for if/when he talks to just about anyone else at work about my fiance, and the pronouns that occur.  Not that I think anyone has reason or desire to talk about me and my relationships ... but the thought of those two people chatting is ... amusing?  strange?  complicated?  Complicated, lets go with that.

Aside from pronouns, telling my coworkers is just about the hardest part so far.  They don't know me, they don't know Kaden, or our relationship.  They have no chance to see how it makes sense, that if I showed them a picture of him they would probably "mistake" him for a boy anyway.  They ... they can't possibly understand.  And that makes it hard, and scary.

I'll get through it.  I always do.

The Good Stuff

I think that since I just discussed the issues that arose from one little thing that makes me sad, that I should counter with the things I am looking forward to.  Because there are more of those.

I am looking forward to some silly little things.  Cheesy His and Hers towels.  Hers and Hers never fit us.  His and Hers was always better, and now it’s actually right.  I am looking forward to calling him my hubby, since “spouse” never had that intimate feel to it.

I am already enjoying being out in public and not being perceived as a gay couple.  We are just a couple!  We can share a regular coupley kiss without the worry that someone will speak up from taking offense to us being so gay in public.  Roundabout equality, and I am in a position to appreciate it.

More than anything, I am looking forward to Kaden feeling better about himself.  To feel like he fits inside his skin.  To be so confidant and full of swagger!  Oh swagger is coming, make no doubt about it.  I am really, really looking forward to swagger.  

Conflict

We had our first fight last night.

What is strangest about it, is that it was a fight based over each of us trying to be overwhelmingly considerate of the other.  Sometimes even through peace efforts we find conflict.

I am not one to post intimate details of our relationship online, or even discuss them in person.  We have our fights, we get over them, we move on.  I don’t like to post about or talk about some issue we are having, which will inevitably be resolved, but then I also have to resolve it with the person/people I told about it.  They aren’t involved and can’t possible understand the nuances of what goes between two completely separate people.

So I have been inside my head for the past several hours about whether or not to write about this.  Every time, I come around to Yes.  Write about it.  Because in my situation, when I was first looking for info from a couples’ stand-point, I wanted to see the bad and the good.  What are the fights or arguments about, and how are they resolved.  How is each person really feeling.  No need to candy coat something so very real.

This is for those of you in my situation, who come after me, and have no idea what to expect.  I am going to TRY to not be biased, but I fully accept and understand that I am biased, simply by being only one person inside one brain.

We had our first fight last night.  Okay, not our first fight ever of course.  But our first fight regarding the transition.

…

….

…

Ugh this is hard, I am not accustomed to putting these things out in the open. 

Okay okay.  Here goes.  Last night we were watching the Olympics and each staring at our respective favored screens.  Normal evening in the Charming household.  The thoughts were sparked by an Avengers (Captain America movie) ad that came on TV.  Kaden got VERY excited.  He rewound, and I grinned, I like seeing him happy. 

And thoughts occurred to me.  That’s a regular boy thing to do.  Super heros and such.  It used to be, that Kaden was my girlfriend and it was this extra adorable thing, my girlfriend doing the boy thing.  Now it’s my boyfriend doing the boy thing.  And that’s different (don’t argue with me, readers, I know that logically it is not actually different).  We used to be girls together, and she (past tense she) would do the boy thing as my GIRLfriend.  I don’t know how to explain it … it’s different.  It made me a little sad to think that that is leaving.  And I am ALL GIRL and I get EMOTIONAL so I got a little emotional.  I have been really honest and forward with Kaden about everything that I think of, good and concerning, because I think that is the only way to really go through this together.

I didn’t say anything though.  I thought about it.  And I knew that if I said something like that his response would be something along the lines of “Well then let’s not do it.”  Which I *know* isn’t what he wants.  He is just terrified that I’ll all the sudden up and leave and that’ll it be and it’ll be over for us.  I don’t know how to prove any more that we are solid and I am not weirded out and I am not leaving.  But at the same time, I would like to express my concerns, or the little things that I might miss about having a girlfriend.  It’s all I’ve known my entire adult life.

So I don’t say anything.

Then we get into bed.  We always read (Kaden almost always plays Candy Crush) before actually turning out the light.  So I say it then.  I tell him that I am sad that we don’t get to be GIRLS together anymore!  And that makes me a little sad.

And it’s like a countdown in my head.  Here it comes .. three.. two … one …

“We don’t have to do this.  We could just not.”

BAM.  There it is.  The very reason I hesitated on sharing, confirmed.  I’d really like to have been wrong.

This comes up A LOT.  Any time I express a concern, it’s there.  Every time.  So much so that I have started second guessing whether I should actually say anything when I have a concern.  Because THAT IS NOT THE POINT. 

Dear Boys – The reason your girlfriend gets suddenly zero-to-100 ANGRY is because she thought a lot about what she would say, and figured she knew what awful thing you would say, and she was right.  She didn’t want to be right but she was.  So basically, her worst fear she has been mulling over for hours/days/months/EVER has just come true.  And it’s your fault because you said the stupid thing that she knew you were going to say.  Get ready to do some apologizing.  And don’t say that crap anymore.

Love- Me.

So yes, Kaden said THE THING.  And I blew up, in my way, which usually means storming out.  So I did.  I laid in bed for a minute, exasperated, upset, and realized  I couldn’t just lay there, I couldn’t be in the same room in the same bed any longer with that weight in the air.  So I left and went to sit on the couch.  It’s what I do.

Here is the thing:  I get it.  I get that he’s scared.  I get that the ENTIRE reason this didn’t happen YEARS ago is because of me.  Because of US.  But for GOODNESS SAKE.  How much more can I do to prove that WE ARE OKAY?  I am shopping for binders and researching surgery and doing all the things I do that signal I am on board!  Let’s go!  In this together!

And he knows that, I know he knows that.  I’m just mad that I can’t erase that last bit of insecurity that makes him think I am somehow going to fly off the wall and leave forever.

Storm out of the bedroom and plop on the couch, sure.  But not gone away forever.

Aaaaaanyway.  Kaden is very good at apologizing.  After a few minutes, he came out to find me (as he does).  He held me and I was crying and he said he was sorry and other things I don’t really remember, the words aren’t so important as the meaning and intentions behind them.  I was blubbering.  I went on to say that we won’t be girls together and that just makes me sad.  I’m sad about it but I am *okay*. 

I guess my crying (especially about this) just really broke his heart.  He wanted to make it BETTER.  So we were chatting about again, I don’t remember what, and he decides that he won’t go on testosterone but just get the letter and go by Kaden and present as male but skip the hormones.  He insists this is what HE wants.

I call bullshit.

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T.

He forgot that I knew him better than he does.

I keep asking f its what HE wants, and he gives me all the same sorts of answers that he used to give me on the occasions I would ask him he if wanted to be a boy (always followed by, and that’s okay, I’ll still love you).

So I try to ask things to get him to admit that no, he doesn’t just want a note, he wants more, and if we are really honest, he wants the whole package (ha,ha).  But at the same time I am not going to shove down his throat in such a way that says “You must do hormone therapy because I am convinced it is what is best for you!!”.  It needs to be HIS decision and he doesn’t get that.  He wants it to be OUR decision (and said as much).   But some things a person really needs to decide on their own.  I can’t say to him YES do hormones or NO don’t do that.  That would create an inauthentic individual based one someone else’s desires and that is *wrong*.  We are in this together, but only he really knows what feels right on his skin.  And THAT is what I want.  And he just wants me to be happy.  And I can’t know how I will react to when he is on testosterone because no one can say for certain what will change.  I can’t lie and say I will love everything no matter what sparkles and rainbows.  I don’t know.  That is the honest truth.  I don’t see there being a problem, I can’t think of anything changing so much that I suddenly rethink our relationship.  I can’t see anything changing that would affect my opinion of him as a person at all.

I mean … did you see my post about transmen as a sexual preference?  COME ON.

Then I made him so insecure that he is questioning if it is the right thing to do at all.  I don’t think he actually thinks it might not be the right thing for him (he knows it is, even when he isn’t sure he knows, he knows).  He is worried it isn’t right for the people around him.  He wonders if the payoff of being socially accepted as male is worth the effort (ie, girlfriend’s occasional tears).

So we go to bed and he has decided not to do testosterone and he just wants me to be happy, and I just want him to be comfortable in his own skin and … ugh.

I cried and he panicked, I think is what happened here.

I consciously decide to let him sleep on it.  I can’t convince him to be honest about what he wants tonight.  It just won’t happen.

So in the morning I ask again.  I tell him that I don’t believe him when he says he doesn’t want hormone therapy.  He more or less agrees.

So here we are, more or less where we started.  He is transitioning and (I think) still planning on hormone therapy.  I am fine with it, and I accept that there are things that will be hard and even a little sad.  I need him to accept that along with the hard, that a little sad will happen.

Now I don’t know what I’ll do next time I have a concern or something pops up that I’m a little sad about.

No, that’s a lie.  Because I tell him everything.  I just hope that next time it doesn’t get the response of “okay we won’t do it!” again.

Dear boys:  The right response?  “Tell me about why that makes you sad, and I will listen.”

That’s all.

(posted unedited and unrevised for full honest rambling effect)

First Doctor appointment

Had the first doctor's appointment today.  It was, as I thought, simple.  As for the other things?  I was way off.

The basic rundown is this:
-Must have a psych evaluation.  Could be one appointment, could be more, but no set time-frame or amount of meetings is set.  So that is reasonable.
-The psychologist will decide if Kaden is "ready" to transition.  I guess one of the more important questions that will be asked is if he has told his parents.  That's a tough one, we are working on that.
-We need to set up a lab appointment for blood work to get a base testosterone level
-Doc wants to see him back in 4 weeks, blood tests and eval should be complete by then.  We will try to get it all done ASAP.
-The note Kaden needs for work (and to legally change name, etc) will come from the psychologist.  So we will try to get THAT soonest.

The referral coordinator was gone for the day when we were in, so Kaden is calling tomorrow to get the referral and an appointment set up with the psychologist.  We need to find a lab to go to for blood work.  I feel a lot better with sort of a blue print of what we need to do and what order things should happen in.

On another topic...
Kaden's chest binder is hurting him.  It hurts me that it's hurting him.  He prefers it over wearing a bra and having visible breasts, pain and all.  And he looks really good in it.  I am glad that he has it, and so sad that he has to go through it. I am going to start picking up some extra shifts at work so we can have some money put away for top surgery.  Even before he came out to me, he always told me he wanted the boobs gone.  I want them gone even more now, seeing how much this hurts and how much happier he will be once it's done.

Pre-First-Doctor-Appointment

Tomorrow is Kaden's first doctor's appt.  I am not sure what to expect.  A referral to a specialist?  A requirement to seek therapy?  Oh, I hope not.  Although, those things seem likely.  Fingers crossed we can skip that.

I am hoping that it will be simple, just some blood work and HOPEFULLY a letter to satisfy his workplace that transition is starting, so he can use the men's bathroom and wear men's work clothes.

He's nervous.  I'll be there with him.  I think it will be simple, right?

Please make it so they don't tell us he needs a year of therapy before anything begins.

Fart Jokes

Kaden has made several fart jokes the last week or so.

I told him that if this is a side effect of his transition, it is NOT my favorite. 

Transmen as a sexual preference

Labels.  I can’t get away from it.  In my own head, I can’t.  Labels are so deeply ingrained that even to talk about them is practically a cliché.  I don’t mind, I like clichés. 

I thought about the line I originally settled on, that maybe I just happen to be generally attracted to girls who are so androgynous that they are actually boys.   This line … could be offensive to some.  It could belittle their identity and existence in this world as male.

Maybe it was a transition label or theory for myself.

So I am thinking.  I am thinking that my whole life possibly, I am generally attracted to “trans-men”.  And maybe really pretty boys in general.  Maybe?

I feel like a large portion of my own identity is being stripped away.  I am swimming, I am confused, and people want short and simple answers.  So do I.  I don’t have it yet. 

------Rambling train of thought and background information, begin:

Changing a label is hard.  Changing a label BACK?  Might be harder.   And in my situation, it is both ridiculously complicated and simple at the same time.  No matter the label, there is no confusion or change in my relationship with Kaden.  Name and pronouns … that’s really it.  A generally happier boyfriend who is learning and preparing to finally love his own body.  Simple, nothing else changes between us.  But for me…?

So let’s just go through this.  Growing up, I guess you could say I identified as heterosexual.  Only, I just wasn’t very sexual in general.  I had some boyfriends, my most “successful” relationship was based online during high school and turned out to be a bit abusive in really stupid ways.  A lot of things about that relationship were wrong and were mistakes.  Everyone makes high school mistakes, Eddie happened to be by biggest one.  He was my last male-female relationship, until about a month ago (ten years ago?).

It was around the time I turned 16 or 17 that I began to identify as lesbian.  I had a couple of girlfriends I was mildly attracted to, and at first there was little to no sex.  Then the one girlfriend who turned out to be very not gay (I think we all have one of those stories, right?).  Then Kaden (at that time, Katie). 

So the entirety of my adult life, I have identified as gay female attracted only to other females.  Dealt with all the issues that come with that.  Being gay ten years ago was hard.  No as hard as twenty years ago, but a heck of a lot harder than it is now (yay, progress!).  A person has to really hold onto that label, and almost prove themselves in certain ways, to really “claim” it.  It takes courage and conviction to live life against the norms of your society, of your own family.

What I am trying to say is that over time, being gay became a part of me.  As much as being straight is a part of anyone else.  Once it is confirmed and acknowledged it just IS.  It’s just there.  Move along, living life over here.

But now things are changing.

------End background rambling (I really considered deleting all of that as non-essential and boring, but in the spirit of open honesty, I am leaving it in)

I don’t want to belittle Kaden’s identity (even if he doesn’t see it as such) by continuing to identify as lesbian.  That would be like saying, yes, Kaden is male and I accept that but I still only date girls (so really he must be a girl in my mind?).

So.  I guess I’m not a lesbian.

Hello world, my name is Alison, and contrary to what I have been saying and gently correcting people on since I was a child, I am not gay.

(reading that last part, inside my mind is a big evangelical I’M HEALED ad, haha funny.)

Maybe I haven’t figured out what I am.  Kaden says maybe bi (and even still gay, but we’ve covered that).  I have always hated the term “bisexual”.

Here’s the whole point of the rambling (procrastinating?) of this whole entry.

I think I am specifically attracted to FTM people.  Part of me wonders if that is weird.  A bigger part of me wonders if that is offensive.  Because to see a trans man as anything different than just a MAN is possibly belittling their identity and I would never want to do that.

Perhaps I just see trans-man as a specific state that is, to me, the perfect interpretation of a man.  And therefore, my personal preference.

When do I start saying “he”? When do I call her (him) Kaden?

This is, I think, the hardest part.

Kaden is ready for me to start using new pronouns.  Being that Kaden is SUPER awesome, he (I did it there, see!) understands that it will take me time.  In fact, he (and again!) understands so much as to say that I can always say her and she if it makes me more comfortable.  Very sweet, but that would just be horribly confusing in the long run.

So in writing, I am practicing.  He.  Kaden.  He. 

Full honestly?  At the moment, it feels wrong.  There is a ZING inside every time I say HE.  I think I mentioned it before, it’s like a physical reaction to the idea that I might be talking about a different person.  I guess cheating even in theory is a very physical experience inside your own head.  I am not cheating.  Katie and Kaden are the same person.  I love him.  I love HIM.

With time and practice it will get easier.  I can’t quite say it out loud yet.  So maybe writing this and using only the new name and new pronouns will help.  So yeah … I think there I will drop all the old stuff.

So when do I start saying he?  In writing, I guess it’s now.  In the right situations.  We are in the process of coming out so not all our friends know.  And I might never be able to say it in major social media like Facebook because he doesn’t currently plan to come out to his family (one thing at a time). 

Vocally?  Vocally.  I am not sure when to start actually SAYING “he”.  He is still Katie to most the people we know.  This is really new to everyone except himself.  So.  When?  When he starts going by Kaden to everyone?  Just around new people we meet when he can introduce himself as Kaden and “be” male?

I guess we are in a limbo of pronouns right now.

Currently, I can write “he” here in the blog.  And on FTM sites and such.  I can say “he” and “Kaden” when it is just the two of us meeting someone new.  And maybe when it is the two of us and people we have come out to and are meeting someone new?  Oh, that gets complicated.

In day to day life?  No, not yet.  Until he is going commonly by Kaden, and we start asking our friends to change their own brain and vocal patterns … until then I don’t think I can start saying “he” on a daily basis.

But I can practice.  Here.  I’m doing good so far, right?  Saying it in writing is a good place to start, I think.

When will I know that the time has come to say it all the time?  Will I just know?  Will it just feel right?

What does this say about ME? And shedding the gay stigma.

I had a long period of wondering what this new development meant for me.  In general, labels SO don’t matter anymore.  But people will ask, and I like to have an answer … and to be honest I asked about myself anyway.  So it was worth thinking through.

So most of my life until recently I have identified as gay/lesbian.  Turns out, the person I am in love with and am spending my life is is actually male.  So … does that make me straight?  My answer:  Kind of (but it still doesn’t matter).

I have always been attracted to only a very small specific group of androgynous women.  I’m not the type who can go people watch and say heeey that person is gorgeous every few seconds.  In my regular life, a person I find attractive crosses my path a few times a year. 

So I wonder … have I always been attracted to FTM people but never knew, or never labeled it as such?  Is that really a niche of attraction that I fall into?  It is so specific, in my head it rings closer to “fetish” than “normal level of attraction”.  Fetish is a term that comes with all kinds of connotations  -- and I don’t think it applies here.

So what I need is a word for: attracted-to-girls-so-androgynous-they-are-actually-boys.

Speaking of my girl actually being a boy, I have to say that I am really looking forward to shedding the gay stigma.  With Katie as Kaden and as a BOY, then we are in a BOY GIRL relationship.  I don’t have to come out to people over and over and over again (what does your boyfriend do?  Oh well SHE …).  I don’t have to worry that beyond being a couple in public, we will be a “normal” couple in public.  No one has to have an extra reaction (vocalized or not) to our being together.  No one will refuse to bake us a wedding cake (yes, that happened). 

I don’t understand people who say being gay is a choice.  I would never choose a life that goes at odds with my culture in so many ways.  My culture is getting better, but if it had been a *choice*?  I would have saved myself a lot of grief and heartache. 

It will be very nice indeed, to leave all of that behind.

We can get married now?

Here is the BEAUTIFUL irony.  We have been planning a wedding.  We have been hoping against hope that times would change enough and in enough time that we could actually get married on our wedding day. 

I will leave the majority of the marriage equality arguments aside, I assume if you are reading this at all I’d just be preaching to the choir.

So the funny thing is … it seems that a doctor’s appointment or two, a trip to the Drivers License place, and maybe order a new birth certificate (please don’t yell at me if I am way off, I don’t know for sure how all this works yet) and POOF … legal marriage is an option.

So we go from being a lesbian couple who can’t get married due to tradition/bible/bigots/whatever.  To the SAME PEOPLE and just a bit of paperwork and genuine desire to transition … … and then we can get married.

Someone tell me WHAT is the huge difference?  Two consenting adults who want to get married.

Before transition:  NOT ALLOWED OMG WRONG

After/during? Transition:  Oh yeah that’s cool.

SAME PEOPLE.  It boggles my mind.

But … … I’ll be really glad to get married.

Picking a name

Okay how fun and crazy is this?!  We get to pick a NEW NAME!  Who gets to name themselves?  Like, really for legally reals name themselves.

Oh my goodness it is SO hard.  We go through so many things.  No that doesn’t feel right, you aren’t that cool, you aren’t that dorky.

No, you CANNOT be Consuela Bananahammock.

We go through names of idols and characters we like.  I learn towards names that sound like and roll off the tongue similarly to Katie.

Oh Katie.  My precious Katie.  Can you understand?  This is the part that gets me the most emotional.  She has been my dearest Katie for ten years.  When you say you love that person, it’s their name you say.  I love Katie.  I am going to have a hard time letting go of “Katie”.   So, yes, I want a name that sounds like Katie.  Katie has been MY Katie for so long.  It’s very hard to re-wire my brain to allow this change.  It’s like parts of my brain don’t understand … my body almost gives a reaction as if I am cheating on her or changing my partner.  Yes I know I am not, the person I love isn’t changing, just becoming the socially accepted form of his (hah!) inner self.

Tangent.  Names.  Okay, hard to let go of Katie tangent, check.

I was all for Cody (Kody to keep the same intials).  Katie thought Kaleb.  Neither felt quite right.  We had mostly decided on Kody when my best friend threw out the idea of Kaden.

Kaden.

Well that rolls off the tongue like Katie.  It’s kind of hip.  More modern the Kaleb and more mature than Kody.  And it doesn’t have a forced K (I am, against all odds, a strong traditionalist). 

So, my boyfriend’s name is Kaden.

The “wrong” bathroom??

One of my first concerns was relative to how hard it was for each of us to come out as gay 12+ years ago.  We have each been relatively lucky (besides the straight camp Katie’s parents sent her to…) and have encountered little push back from society in general.  We were denied a wedding cake once, got lectured in a King Soopers, and had the general run of awkward looks and such.  But coming out is never easy.  Now Katie has to do it again.

I get worried for the idea of trans people.  Reading things online about using the correct bathroom and very honest phrases like “if it’s safe”.  I don’t want her to face that!  The world isn’t as open to trans people now as it is to gays now, very much like it wasn’t open to gays those years ago when we each were coming out for the first time.

But we have to, and we will together.

I told her (yes yes, I know I am using the incorrect pronouns, but this will take time) about these concerns.  She looked at me and said … that already happens.  And it was like a light bulb.  It does!  She currently gets told several times a week that she is in the wrong bathroom.  Transitioning will fix that misconception.

And I can’t even imagine what it feels like when you identify as male, but are outwardly female … and you go into the female bathroom only to be told you are in the wrong one.  On the inside she (he) has to be screaming I KNOW … but in our current reality she has to correct them or ignore them.  And continue to use the bathroom that feels wrong, arguing that she is in the right one.

What a relief this will be when the change can be made.

Okay, how to begin?

Katie and I met when we were nineteen.  She was certain about “us” from the beginning, it took me a little longer.  Ten years down the road and she is my favorite person in the world and I love spending every part of my life with her.

I’d asked a couple times  (probably three or four separate conversations) if she wanted to be a boy.  Told her (very genuinely) that I would still love her.  Every time, she said that she thought it would make more sense …. But that no, she didn’t want to be a boy.

We are getting married in three months, our ten year anniversary to the day. 

Two weeks ago, my girlfriend of ten years came out to me.

“I just makes sense, right?”

I’m not surprised.  But I am suddenly aware of a lot of adjustments that will need to be made.  Pronouns will likely be the most difficult (and maybe I can use this area to practice saying “he”, and “him”). 

I have processed a lot in that time.  Looked up chest binders, looked up packing (learned what a pack’n’play is).  Learning the terminology.  I am trying to remember the different mental phases I went through already to briefly cover them.’

The bottom line?  The most important thing I have wanted for Katie is to feel comfortable in her (his) own skin.  I am so happy that we have found a path to make it true.

And two days later, it came to me.  Yes … Yes it does just make sense.